I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
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me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm