@Home_Halfway: I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
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@SardonicTart: [Gone for an hour] Boss: Where have you been? Me: There was a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and I couldn't find the beginning.
@DanMentos: "my dad could beat up your dad" we're brothers you idiot *cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
@causticbob: I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date. Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.