I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
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older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Terribly Tuesday.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Hot Hot Hot
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.