I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
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Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
can’t bark with your mouth full
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.