I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
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Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary