Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
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*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*