me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
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I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?