I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
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When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
the best thing i’ve ever made
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.