I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
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Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Oh we’ve met.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Mouse
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
#winning
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
wtf is an acronym
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America