I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
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Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
👾👾👾
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.