I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
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If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Them: You should try keto
Me:
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen