I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
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Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”