I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
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thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.