I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
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I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.