The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
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I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.