When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
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What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Erm…
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?