I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
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My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.