@Ready_Set_Nope: I just overheard my kid muttering "I'm sorry you had to see that" to a stuffed toy. It's probably best not to ask what "that" was right?
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@jazmasta: [speaking to an attractive lady] "How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!" "Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave"
@Pirate_nurse: To be clear...putting your entire fist in your mouth should be a party trick saved for after Uncle Barry leaves
@CorkyCrash: 11's thoughts on tonight's dinner: "Well, it didn't make me gag, so I ate it." The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.