‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
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I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it