Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
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*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*