[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
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Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.