I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
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ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.