If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
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The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
is this how new cars are made??
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.