I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
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Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Can Happiness buy money?
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else