I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
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“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!