I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
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My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.