March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
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Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
my one true gender
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”