I just ran a .003048K
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I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
saw this in a dream
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
😅🤣😂
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula