Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
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Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?