The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
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It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Herpes is trending, good job people
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I have so many questions.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?