I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
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[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Good news
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…