I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
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Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
looks legit
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
12. I think about this all the damn time
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now