She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
You Might Also Like
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
#growingpains
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?