You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
You Might Also Like
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Not today
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.