Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
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“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.