Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
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my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird