I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
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Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Raisins are grape jerky.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.