I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
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“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
concern
Stonehinge
my favorite genre of twitter
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.