BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
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My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Encore…
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.