I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
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Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
calling in to work dehydrated
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.