My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
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If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I love the honesty