i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
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“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
If I ignore life will it go away?
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex