I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
You Might Also Like
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.