I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
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My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?