Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
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Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?