NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
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Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means