BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
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I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
The only equipped I am is ill.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
yeet
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?