I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
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Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?