@LoriLuvsShoes: I just saw a woman with a tremendous amount of make up and I was really tempted to use my finger and write "wash me" on her face
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@my_minivan_life: Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
@dumbbeezie: If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone
@SlappNuttz: My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter. So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
@AnOrangeSNES: [Snow White sees her doctor] Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor? Doc: Damn it I told you I'm a mine worker not a doctor. It's my name, idiot