I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
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Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.