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@ArrowsOfTheSun: I just saw an 8 year old hipster.
Your move, apocalypse.
@WookieOnUnicorn: turns out Xenophobia is not 'A fear of Warrior Princesses'
@david8hughes: Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Wife: is he in the pool?
Wife: again, its called swimming
@evidentlyblonde: Open an ice cream shop with flavors like "don't be sad," "they're not worth it," "you deserve better" and see if people don't flock right in
@WheelTod: When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
@thats_a_morey: What's that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret