@CM2BTTHD: I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
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@squirrel74wkgn: I'd love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can't come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
@KimmyMonte: Don't tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
@novicefather: [grocery store with 2yo] Cashier: your son is so cute. What do you want to have next? Me: a vasectomy
@Aaerios: Dropping the shampoo bottle in the shower is the most violent sound ever. "U OK in there? Sounds like a Michael Bay film in that bathroom!"