I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
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I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Air conditioning – not a fan
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw